Can't say I didn't warn you
by kitty-is-a-dreamer
Summary: Written for prompt 'I'm at a Jewish speed dating event, help me'. When Noah Puckerman refuses to tell his Jew-Crazy mum about his long-term girlfriend he's forced to face the consequences! T coz' I'm paranoid! RXR ONESHOT!


A/N: The prompt was 'I am at a Jewish speed dating event, Help me!' from the Puckleberry drabble meme. I filled it my LJ account totally_gleeked

A/N: I really hope you like this, I haven't really written a lot of the humour genre before so it would be nice to see how I do!

A/N: I don't own Glee

Noah Puckerman was in pain, actual physical blood-sucking gory pain. He never knew someone could be so boring that he wanted to poke both his eardrums in, so he quickly excused himself from the table where Bath-sheva (seriously what were her parents thinking?) had just finished telling him the _oh-so-exciting _story of the scandal her cousin caused by marrying a _gentile_, what century were they living in again? He walked (ran) to the toilet where he quickly fired off a text to his long-term girlfriend Rachel

'**I am at a Jewish speed dating event, HELP ME!'**

He waited anxiously for the reply and was grinned when he got his reply but his grin was quickly replaced with an annoyed expression.

'**I am currently not in the mood to talk to you Noah, all this would be over if you had deigned to tell your mother that we have been dating for the last seven months, as long as you refuse to do this I deny you access to me, my bed and to any activities that may have taken place in fore-mentioned bed and/or anywhere else!' **

Shit! She was pissed at him, her texts always rambled when she was mad. Maybe he had been a little harsh earlier when Rachel had been nagging him for the _umpteenth time_ to tell his mother about them. He had met her fathers after the first month and she had met his sister on the second but whenever she brought up meeting his mum he closed down that subject. See his mum was bat-shit crazy, absolutely fucking bat-shit and as soon as she found out that he had been on lock-down with a _Jewish girl _for the last seven months him and Rachel would be walking down the aisle before either of them knew what happened!

That was actually what started this. His mum had called him for the billionth time since he escaped his small town in Ohio and asked him if he had found 'a nice Jewish girl to give her nice Jewish grandkids yet' problem was Rachel had just come out of the shower when she heard him tell his mum that 'no he wasn't dating anyone at all and that she would be the first to know'. Rachel was currently not speaking to him and his mum had threatened to come to New York unless he went to this dumb-ass event. Honestly this shit was lame and even if he was still single all the chicks in here were either too Jewish or not Jewish enough for example Bathshee, Bathshuv? over there had spent the first part of their five minutes talking about the merits of kosher food of non-kosher food and another one had legit tried to pay footsies with him under the table and _he knew_ that from the look she was giving him she wanted to meet him after for exactly the kind of thing that his mother was trying to stop by sending him here. Epic failure Ma! Honestly if he didn't have the most awesome Jewish girl in New York as his girlfriend then he would just give up on Jews entirely.

He came back and sat back on his table where _thank god!_ Bathshu had gone to her next victim and he was forced again to suffer through another bland, annoying meeting.

When the torture was finally over he decided to go over to Rachel's and get some rest after all he had an early shift the next day and he needed to sort stuff out with his girl before then.

When he got to Rachel's apartment he realised with a start that the spare key was not where it usually was! Damn maybe he had miscalculated her anger earlier it wasn't the 'I'm angry at you lets solve it with flowers and roses' it was the 'come near me and I'll cut your balls of Noah Puckerman anger' he blames Santana for teaching Rachel that phrase, it never failed to freak him out, never. Still he decided to risk his life and his future sex life by knocking on the door

"Rach, Rach I know you're in there please come out, open the door babes I'm sorry" he whined pouting, nothing? Time to bring out the big guns.

"Rachel I'm freezing out here, I swear I'll stay here all night and not move for one second" he waited a few minutes when he heard the locks start to open. He guessed Rachel would have thought he might have tried to pick the lock. Why didn't he think of that? The door opened and Puck saw his beautiful, midget girlfriend in her pyjamas staring at him with a huge scowl on her face

"Why are you here? I would have thought you'd have found your future wife by now"

"Maybe I already have" He countered and he watched as her face turned from anger to pure adoration and he meant it. With Rachel being tied down never felt like he was actually tied down. She always gave him his freedom and space but she was his rock when he needed her and vice-versa.

"So why won't you tell your mum about me?" she looked up at him pouting with her big brown eyes staring at him. He figured she was still hurt from their earlier conversation.

"Look Rachel my mum she's crazy okay, and as soon as she sees that I am dating the most perfect Jew girl ever she will go mad, I swear you'll start getting wedding magazine subscriptions and venues to set your wedding at, I just don't want you to run away, so are still happy bout' meeting my mother"

"Bring it!" she smiled.

So the next time she came to Ohio she finally met his mother and his mum immediately decided to spirit her away for a girls-only spa day. He was lying in his bed when he got a text from Rachel

'**Noah your mum wants twelve grandchildren, twelve! And she hasn't stopped talking about weddings since we got here HELP ME!'** He laughed and simply fired back

'**Can't say I didn't warn you'**

…**GLEE/IS/EPIC…..**

**Reviews Please!**


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